Toddler Destruction

Most of us know that if a toddler get hold of something they shouldn’t they will undoubtedly destroy it given enough time to do so. The concept of a pop up book to a two year old is not wow, look how the pages of this book come to life in a 3D style. It’s I wonder if the book will look better with all the pop up parts scattered throughout the lounge. I have given up the amount of times I have put the pink plastic door back on the pink plastic school bus.

The story that follows sums up the ability of toddlers to break anything including my house.

My sister got Lilly and Amy a small child size rocking horse for their first birthday. They didn’t really use it much until about six months later when they could actually get on it and rock around. One day I noticed a small rocking horse handle shaped dent in the wall of our bay window in the lounge. It didn’t take a lot of deduction to find out what had gone on. Looking further down the wall I could see a few scrape marks where it had been rocked down to the plaster.

Well I thought, these things happen, I will fix it up in a couple of days when I get chance. The small dent in the wall over that couple of days became a complete obsession to my devil children. They thought it was hilarious when they poked their finger in it making it ever bigger. They found it even funnier when Emma and I would scream at them when they were taking it turns poking their tongues into it. No matter how many times we told them to get away from it they didn’t listen. That was it; I had to fill it before they got through to brick on the other side of the plasterboard.

I got my filler out, some sand paper a hair dryer for quick drying. I would get the vacuum cleaner out after to clear up any mess. For the first five minutes it was impossible as Amy and Lilly were both still trying to get at the hole I was trying to cover up. I could feel myself getting more and more stressed. Emma scooped them both up and took them out into the kitchen to give them tea. Finally I had about half an hour to get this done.

Twenty five minutes later, I had completed my work the hole was filled and was the filler was almost set after about ten minutes sitting there aiming a hair dryer at it. I had even filled in the scrape marks. Pleased with myself after a job well done, I went to get the vacuum cleaner to clear up the small dust pile I had left from sanding. Amy and Lilly came back in and headed for the rocking horse. It was okay though, the hole was gone and they would have forgotten about it by now. Emma went into the kitchen to clear up. I grabbed the vacuum and went back into the lounge.

Okay, everyone picture the scene with me. Both my children kneeling next to bay window, Amy with her hands and face covered in dust and Lilly with a lump of semi set filler on her finger that she had just liberated from the wall. She smiled at me. I spent the next ten minutes cleaning, dusting Amy off and getting Lilly to spit out the filler that she just had to sample. Emma laughed and I complained for quite sometime about I can never do anything without “them” wrecking it. Ill get over it, someday.

There are two morals to this story. Don’t try to perform DIY when your children are present and more importantly, never underestimate the intelligence of your toddlers. They know more than you think.

Toddler Mess

Before

If I had a pound or even a dollar for every piece of plastic block, small figure or cute stuffed animal that I pick up in a day, I would have a few thousand. If my wife was also given the same amount of money, I could retire right now. A bold fact I here you say. One thought that is probably ringing true for every parent of a small child reading this right now.

I shouldn’t be surprised that my lovely children have inherited the messy gene. I myself had it for a long time. The only way I was semi cured from it was constant nagging and complaining and still now I slip from my ways from time to time but a swift hand of marital justice does the trick.

Amy and Lilly are too young to understand about being tidy. They will in time become educated in the ways of tidiness. Put one toy away before getting out the next and so on. For the time being though we can place them in any room in the house and everything that is at their level quickly goes on the floor.

I will leave this post with six mostly mess related facts about toddlers and their possessions. When I say their, in the minds of a toddler everything belongs to them or should do. Even if they get told “no that’s daddies” over and over again, a toddler sees daddy’s things as fair game. I’m sure at least 75% of the below can be related to.

* Give children 30 toys to play with and they will always for the TV Remote control.

* Toddlers will do things to your TV via the remote control you had no idea that it could do and it takes you half an hour to put it right.

* If you have a book case, you only end up using the top two shelves.

* If your living room is the primary play area it is populated at the most with your couch and TV the rest is toys.

* If the above couch has more than a three inch clearance from the floor. 40% of toys will live under there.

* Your prized DVD collection that was once proudly alphabetised is now elsewhere and the farthest point in the house away from your DVD player. (Maybe this one is quite a personal point).

After

Favouritism

I love my children equally as every good dad should (even if one has been a total nightmare and made your day a living hell). One would think that if you love your children the same way, your child would love both parents the same. But this is grownup logic and not toddler logic.

For the last few months I have had a fan and that is Amy. She would greet me with a smile when ever she saw me and generally hang around like a groupie. Now Lilly would do the same but she didn’t care if mummy would take her to bed or read to her. Amy on the other hand would throw a fit and say “daddy do it”, “daddy do it” until she got her own way. It’s good to be wanted I guess unless you can’t leave the room without where you are going and when you coming back.

Emma was getting a little upset about it all as she was feeling very unwanted. I on the other hand was basking in being popular although being the good dad that I am was giving equal time to Lilly, well when Amy let her near me that is.

A week or so ago, we were sat downstairs, the girls were having their milk just before bed. It was time to put them in their grow bags ready for bed. Then the little voice said “mummy do it”, “mummy do it”. From that second on to now Amy has switched her loyalty and now mummy is queen of all things.

Now I don’t recall dropping Amy on her head at any point and although we have our arguments I can’t pin point when she decided not to be daddies favourite any more. I am fairly sure that Emma has promised her something or slipped her some cash without me knowing. Time will tell J. Lilly still loves me, in an equal to mummy sort of way.

I feel that this may be the start of a very long emotional journey. The women in my life may use these little tricks later on in life to get what they want.

The Art Of Bribery

My wife Emma gave the idea for this one. She tells me all of the little things that the girls throughout the day. What they did to make her laugh, small accomplishments and of course the terrible two’s driven tantrums.

When I said that I was stuck for something to write as my poor brain is all clogged up with work type things and an unhealthy dose of the man flu. She said why don’t you talk about me bribing them to get them to do stuff? Excellent idea!

As Lilly and Amy are becoming more aware, we as adults can start having conversations that they can, for the most part, understand. Now that we have a dialog open, we can start making deals with them. Well when I say deals I mean bribes really because they learn if they do things that they don’t really want to do then they get something as a reward for doing it.

Amy and Lilly love playing outside in the garden with their new outdoor toys. This for us is a very large bargaining chip so when at tea time Emma is struggling with them not eating she says “eat your tea and then we will go outside and play”. Well what do you know, 2 empty bowls and two happy faces ready to go out. When she went for a walk, to get the girls to sit in the buggy, she said that they could have their Wellington boots on and result, no complaining just happy smiles all round and the girls repeating what colour they were for the whole walk.

So there it is, a form of control that doesn’t mean shouting or ending in tears. Is this just another parenting tip that we have just picked up on? The bribe, deal or kickback?

As I am typing this, I think back to when I was younger and I can think of countless occasions when deals have been struck so that I would get things done. I can also remember a point when I started to make the terms and conditions of the deal. I will clean my room if you give me some money for example. So I'm sure when my girls get older they will try and open negotiations to get more.

So my loyal readers (I know there is one out there), I have questions:

Do you use bribery to get your kids to do stuff?
What is the biggest thing you have promised in return for something to get done?
Have they come back with an even bigger counter offer?

Let me know your thoughts and experiences….

Me Me Me

So what’s this post about I hear you cry. Well I'm bored, no wonderful ideas leap into my head at this point so I will take a quick break away from my wife (who is in the bath) and children (who I can here snoring on the monitor as I type) to give you 10 things you never really wanted to know about ME.

1. I am about 60% Geek.
Emma would say more 80% but I know my place in the geek world. Computers and me seemed to fit at an early age. On a daily basis, I hear words like stored procedures, binary compatibility, public keys, private keys, virtual machines and so on. To keep my geekness down, when I get home I don’t talk about my day in detail as when I do Emma has that glazed look about her and Amy & Lilly just wouldn’t want to know.

2. I hated school as a child.
To the annoyance of my mum mostly, I would hide all over the house in the morning so that she couldn’t find me in the hope she would forget that I had to go to school. It never worked. I pretty much flunked all my exams (except engineering) as a teenager and it took me until I was in the second year of college to realise the mistakes that I had made. From that point on I embraced the inner geek and passed all my college courses.

3. I have five tattoos around my body.
When I was nineteen I decided to get inked for the first time (an anti geek thing to do) so I went to town with my best mate, found a dodgy tattoo place, picked a design off the wall and embraced the pain. I have collected them every now and then ever since. My latest was about 5 years on my leg, I designed it myself.

4. I am a movie buff through and through
I get excited about movies coming out. I have a nice collection of DVDs. Being in the geek class, I do enjoy the odd sci-fi movie but I embrace most genres. The worst movie I ever saw was Miami Vice.

5. I am a Buffy fan.
Yes I am a thirty two year old man with 2 children and I am a fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Emma is too and we have on more than one occasion, watched the complete series. Emma has a crush on Angel and he is on her top 5. (My number one is Kate Beckinsale)

6. My best friend (in number 4) Died over eleven years ago.
I can’t say that I have ever fully gotten over the fact that he died. I have dreams to this day that we are hanging out, he is always quiet and always when it’s nearly time to wake up, he walks away. He never stays. I'm sure there is a physiological explanation for that one. I miss him but I have only visited his grave about 3 times. It’s not him there anyway.

7. Emma and I started seeing each other when we were nineteen.
We spent five years at school together and never talked once. One of my friends bet me that she wouldn’t dance with me in a night club, she did. Who could resist. We got married ten years ago this July.

8. I was so drunk once, I went green.
I was seventeen and it was my first college disco. I drank half a bottle of tequila and spent the night in the night club toilets. I woke up in the morning without a hangover (that wouldn’t happen these days).

9. I used to be a skateboarder
Another non geek thing. Yes, I wore the baggy stuff and hung around in my teens in hoodies. I gave it up, well because I was rubbish at it and spent a lot of time on the floor.

10. I have a huge collection of Star Wars toys in my garage.
Well I had to end with a geeky one because you have to embrace it. Thanks to my inner geek, I am where I am today and although I considered myself a cool geek (well when I was younger) I am a geek, I embrace it. It’s the new black.

So there you go, whoever wants to read this will get a small insight about me. I'm sure that you all feel better knowing these facts. No doubt I will get thousands of questions and comments now as I have opened the floodgates. Then again, probably not!

Two Contrasting Days – Part Two

Tuesday – One Of The Best Days Ever

I woke up, had a shower and made my way down stairs. Emma has done the milk this morning so that was a bonus. Amy and Lilly were just finishing off their breakfast. Coco pops. As I came down to the bottom of the stairs I could hear them both saying “daddy’s coming”. Things like that give me a happy glow. As they both saw me, I was presented with a pair of chocolate smiles. I helped them finish of the rest of their cereal. They both ate the lot and they finished their yoghurts off with very little mess. We went into the lounge to play.

We played with the microphone that we got them for their birthday and we sat and built things with their blocks. We all shared the blocks and there was no arguing. We all read for a while and then sat on the couch and watched an episode of Pingu, I had no idea what was going on but the girls laughed so they must have been in on the joke.

Emma sat with them at their table while they did some colouring with crayons. We always ask what colours they want and from Amy it’s always purple without fail. She will use other colours but she will never let go of the purple one. Lilly usually has blue; she has a thing about blue at the minute. As you can imagine, the colouring books all have blue clowns or purple beach balls or blue rabbits (you get the idea). Never the less it was a peaceful session. I coloured in a robot with as many colours as I could get (except blue and purple) to get a bit of brightness into the book. It was time for a nap, this is usually quite a hard time because once they have their crayons they seldom want to give them up. Today wasn’t too bad; we did the decoy thing and distracted them with juice.

We woke them up after their nap and gave them dinner. They ate nearly everything on their plates and even had a full slice of Emma’s well made birthday cake. At this point, I went up stairs and had a quick search around to make sure that our children hadn’t been replaced at some point during the early hours of that morning as they had woken up completely different from yesterday.

After dinner we drove to an indoor soft adventure play area as we had free entry because they had gotten into the local paper for their birthday. This was my first time in one of these places with them and Emma hadn’t been for a long time. We put them into the toddlers part and let them get on with it. They started climbing and having a good time. We happily watched them and from time to time rescued them when they climbed up a steep slope but had no idea how to get down. There was an area where there were rabbits and we could all sit in while they sniffed around. Both Lilly and Amy sat on our knees and were as good as gold. We left without any drama and didn’t have to man handle them out of the ball pool.

We went for a drive around for about an hour. They both had their hats on in the car. Amy with her trendy purple hat and Lilly with her Bob The Builder hard hat. They both amused themselves all the time and it was a peaceful drive.

After tea we played outside in the garden. I had somehow managed to squeeze myself into the pink Wendy house (the things I do) which all the girls including Emma found funny. We had a pretend tea party. They came inside without a scream or tear. They had their milk and went to bed. What a great day we all had.

Its days like this that you are happy to have children…..

Two Contrasting Days – Part One

Monday – One Of The Worst Days Ever

I had 2 days off this week. The day started out okay as the routine goes. We got the girls dressed without much drama and went down stairs. Emma had a bath while we all had cheerios for breakfast. This is where things went down hill a bit.

The introduction of cereal and milk was a good idea at the time but now Lilly refused to eat many of the rings and just wants the sweet milk but she can’t quite get the hang of the getting the milk to the mouth with her spoon without spilling it so she gets mad. So I start feeding her the milk to keep her happy while stuffing rings into Amy’s mouth to keep her eating. Then Lilly throws a complete stress because I accidentally get 1 lousy ring on her spoon. That’s it, no more cheerios today. I give them yoghurt with a choice of colour spoon, all is quiet, I wash the dishes. I look over to Amy to see she has totally done away with the spoon and started shovelling pink yoghurt into her mouth. I get the wipes and clean her up quick. Emma would kill me if they got food in their hair right at the start of the day.

Stress Level 3

Breakfast over and they go into the lounge to play while I finish the dishes and clean up. By the time I have finished and go into the lounge I get a wiff of the now all too common smell of ripeness. I check them both and it was a double poo. I listen upstairs to see if Emma had come out of the bath. No such luck. I can’t even share the load. I march my smelly twin girls up to change their rotten nappies.

Stress Level 3.5

Back in the lounge and we play for a while with all the new toys. Emma and I have them on our knee on the sofa reading books. Amy then decides to crack Lilly over the head with her new book, making her scream the house down. Amy’s very first time out was called. I sat her on a chair for 2 minutes. She cried all the way through it but she didn’t move. She said sorry to Lilly and they went for a nap.

Stress Level 5

Dinner was a disaster. Most of what Emma had prepared for them came back on the plate just as if someone has played tennis with it all for 5 minutes then picked it all up. They had half a banana and about half of a slice of their birthday cake. No more yogurts in the house but we found a substitute. Not too impressed but they ate it.

Stress Level 4

We left all the mess, put the girls in the car and went off to the seaside to take advantage of the good weather. This is about an hours drive or so. Half an hour in and they both start wanting different things from the side compartment where we keep all the car toys. Emma accommodates with every request to keep them happy as I drive. 45 minutes in and Amy decides to take her new trendy purple hat off she got for her birthday and wanted me and only me to put it back on. Emma tried to explain that I was driving but that fell on deaf ears “daddy do it”, “daddy do it” Lilly joined in as she was now bored of being strapped into a car seat. The last 15 minutes was hell.

Stress Level 6.5

We got to our destination. It started to rain. Amy and Lilly wanted to walk and both strongly objected to being man handled into the buggy. We walked around for a while and noticed that all the shops and market stalls were closing, cries and high pitch screaming in my ear, we go into an open shop get out of the rain.

Stress Level 8

We got back into the car after being there about 45 minutes and drove to a supermarket to the café to give the girls their tea. No buggy this time we let them walk into the supermarket. For some reason Lilly objected to going into the supermarket and decided to lay horizontal in the door way not caring about on coming trolleys. I was that parent who got stared at for not controlling their children. Lilly refused to eat her favourite orange pasta that was given to her and screamed every time I tried to feed her.

Stress Level 20 BOOM!!!!

I switched off, stared out of the window of the café and waited for my face to go back to a normal colour as Emma finished off tea duties. After my mental reboot, we got home, gave them their milk and put them to bed. We both gave a joint sigh of relief as we collapsed onto the couch.

It’s days like this you wonder why you decided to have children…….

Lilly & Amy’s Second Birthday In Pictures

In The Morning - Behold the pink plastic

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I set out the outside play stuff ready for them to play - It was all a big hit

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Back inside and we opened and tried out all the presents

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I, I mean we built a tower out of all the blocks
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It was taller than Amy

. They had their card read out on CBEEBIES that Emma sent in

The Cakes - Emma slaved over a hot stove to cook these birthday creations

The Party (I only had a couple of beers) – They Got Lots Of Cards

There was face Painting – Thanks Tara

Amy

Lilly

Max (Nephew)

Alice (Friends daughter, thanks for coming Helen)

We got the girls in from outside long enough to sing happy birthday - Emma was quite emotional

When it was time to go inside, Lilly has a total melt down for about an hour but they both slept straight away at bed time (phew again).

A great day and I think everyone had a good time. The food was good there was plenty to drink (I still have a small bar’s worth of alcohol in my garage and Emma is slowly getting through the wine as I type this). There were people I spoke to that I hadn’t seen for years and years but there were also people that couldn’t make it. It was good to see family and friends have a good time. Same time next year? I will leave that as an open question until the stress of this one gets forgotten.

PS – I would have taken a picture of the triffle but it was gone so quickly, I didn’t have chance :)

Your One Sentence Answers

As part of the pre birthday run up, I asked you to email me an answer to this question.

“If you had to summarise your experience of being a parent so far into one sentence, what would it be”

Thanks to everyone that emailed me and commented with your answers. There are some funny, sensible and inspiring ones.

Everyone who answered my call have great blogs themselves so please take time to visit them as well.

So here you are I started :)

Name: Michael
Blog Name: My Wife And Twins

"It’s been emotional, it’s been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs, cries and laughs, it has made me grow up and be the man I am now, I love being a husband and a parent."

Name: Ruthie
Blog Name(s): My Mama Drama and Got Multiples?

"My experience of being a parent has been and continues to be very rewarding, and having preemie twins has shown me that even though life can throw you a few "curve balls", you can always overcome the obstacles, which in turn makes you stronger and a better parent."

Name: Mrs. Mecomber
Blog Name: New York Traveler.net

"To be a parent means you discover that the world does not revolve around you."

Name: Linda Jones
Blog Name: You've Got Your Hands Full

"Being a parent of twin girls has made me laugh more than I ever knew possible."

Name: Jared
Blog Name: DadThing.com

"One year full of enjoyable chaos."

Name: BusyDad (or Jim)
Blog Name: The Busy Dad Blog

“As Seen on TV”? psshaw!!

Name: FeeFiFoto
Blog Name: FeeFiFoto Blog

"Being a parent is The. Most. Mundane. thing you or anyone else around the world will ever do; yet even when your kids are old enough to talk back it's simply the most fundamentally special, rewarding and precious experience you'll ever have."

Name: Lance
Blog Name: Dad2Twins

"ENTERTAINING!"

Name: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah
Blog Name: Sarah and the Goon Squad

"Parenting is the is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, outside of soccer."

Name: Mishelle
Blog: Secret Agent Mama

"Parenting is definitely a challenge and there are no cookie cutter children, so it's a task to mesh with all of the different personalities that we have in our family. However challenging, though, it's rewarding to the highest degree!"

Name: Saph
Blog: Walk with Me

"So utterly frustrating, and tiring at times, but yet so wonderous, and amazing to watch your baby grow."

The Ingredients To A Successful Birthday Party

Preparations have been going on for a couple of months in the form of lists. But with less than a week to go until Lilly and Amy’s second birthday, nearly everything is in place for a memorable party. As always, Emma is the project manager in these affairs. I take the orders and get the jobs done that need to be completed. This is how it should be, I find that things go a lot smoother and I get a lot less stressed.

So, we are going for the birthday and party on the same day, as their birthday is on a Sunday, we though it would be a good idea. I class myself as a semi people person in that I will make the effort to interact with people that I don’t know that well but I can honestly say I feel quite nervous about this one. Granted, it was my idea to invite loads of people but I seldom think things through to the end.

The key to a birthday / party is to keep everyone happy and to do this you need a sprinkling of ingredients:

The presents

The most important people to keep happy of course are my darling daughters. We have gone for a mix of in and out door fun this year as well some educational stuff as well. In the picture we have all the indoor stuff. In no particular order:

A microphone with disco lights – I have tested it, it is quite loud.
A large aquadraw set – The small ones went down well.
Magic colouring books – the pens are different colours but will only write in the books (no wall art).
A Vacuum Cleaner – They like watching daddy do it (yes I do the vacuuming, it’s my domestic job).
Loads of building blocks – I like, I mean they like building things.
Loads of books – They are into reading now.
A shopping trolley – Girly stuff.
A skittle set – we like playing those games, they just need to learn how to set them up for me.
In the night garden cutlery set – they are obsessed with both these things.
Bob the builder hard hats – They like Bob, plus will come in handy if ever I need DIY labourers.
Loads and loads and loads of clothes – Emma is obsessed.

Outside in the garden there will be an assortment of bright pink plastic (I didn’t have much say in that), a playhouse, a swing and a slide.

Food and drink

To keep the guests happy. We have gone for the traditional buffet food as this can be done before hand and wrapped up ready to be presented at the right time. There will be sandwiches, sausages on sticks, pineapple and cheese on sticks, sausage rolls (you get the idea). Emma is doing a mammoth baking session on Friday for the sweet stuff including the birthday cake. Emma’s mum is coming that day to help out and I will be well out of the way. It is my job to make the trifle, this usually comes out of a packet but last time I managed to fluff this up and the custard was very sloppy. I am determined to make the best trifle this time. My sisters trifle never fails, I'm on a mission.

We have a selection of drinks to keep everyone happy. Beer, wine and soft drinks are all in the mix. I will be having a beer or two to keep my stamina up.

The guests

We have invited quite a few people plus their children. This is where my nerves kick in again as there will be family members who don’t get on that well, an ex boyfriend and girlfriend and lots of screaming kids. Plus will they all turn up? If they do where will they all park? How do you keep them all happy? I think I’ll have another beer.

The children

To keep them happy there will be fun and games with prizes to be won, pass the parcel etc. To end the day they will go home with a goodie bag with sweets in to keep them going well into the night, hehe.

So there you go. All the ingredients are there we just need to mix them up and see how it all comes together. To be honest as long as all my girls are happy I will be happy.

To be continued …..